Rockin' it Out!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Story telling

Those of you on my Facebook already know this but today is the "anniversary" (isn't that supposed to be a happy day???) of my mom's death.  I think of her often but the day of really throws me for a loop as far as thinking goes.  I'll share with you all how she died....

When my mom was 24 she had 3 young kids at home.  My brother was 5, sister 3 and me, 13 mos.  She sold toys at those home parties as a side job and was out doing that one night.  Another kid, 16 years old, was driving the opposite direction and had already decided to commit suicide.  How did he choose to kill himself?  Well, he drove head-on into my mom's car.  My mom died, of course.  He suffered a "possible" broken nose.  Really, POSSIBLE!  That's it.  I don't generally wish harm on people but he was the one that wanted to die, not my mom.

So that's that :( 

Thing is... being a parent and wife now makes things totally different.  I think of how my dad must have felt when he was told his wife was gone.  He got a phone call to come to the hospital "right away" and they told him when he got there, after he dropped us kids off with his parents (I think, I only know these details from stories other people told).  I think of how *I* must have felt when all I wanted was my mom and she never came back (even though I know, as a baby, I really didn't care for long).  It's rough.  It makes me cry today to think of it.  I think of what SHE is missing out on as a parent, grandparent, and wife.  I think of what MY daughter is missing out on from her being her grandma.

We looked a lot alike too, my mom and I.  My older sister is blonde and blue-eyed.  I am my mom's twin with more of her Japanese features... dark hair and eyes, and our body shape is similar as well.  I wish I had more pictures scanned in to show you guys... let's see if I can dig at least one up to share.  All of the pics I tried to share "failed" to upload!  Grr!!!  I'll try again in another blog.  It's comforting knowing I look like her... I don't know why but it is.

Anyways, today and every day I miss my mom.  I know she'd be proud of me though and I know we'd be best of friends if she were still here.  Oh man, here come the water works again!  I'm such a sappy mess.  I do, however, believe that I will see her one day.  I'm excited for that day :) (but it can wait!).

Mom and Dad on their wedding day :)

I see myself in this shot... I can picture a goofy side of her here!


  1. Tiffani, my heart pours out for you !! I cant even being to imagine what you must feel and the words to offer you solace dont seem to cut it. What I will say is this that " to speak a person's name is to give them life" as an ancient egyptian beleif goes so by telling us your mom's story today you have given her life once again and everyday that you talk about her in the gentle and beautiful way you have she will continue to have life in your heart, memories and thoughts !!!
    I'm sending you a great big hug my dear Tiffani !!!

  2. OMG... you bitch... LOL. That just made me cry like a baby!!! I love you.

  3. Tiffani, I have a feeling that you are very much like your mom inside and out. The fact that you can relive, remember and celebrate her says a lot. And I believe she sees you and is proud of you and in a way is not really missing anything. Bless you sweetie.

  4. Tiffani- you were right you do look like her and I'm sure the caring person you are comes from her too !!

  5. Oh Jeez.. You go into a persons posts never sure what to expect and this one got to me.. How unfair can life be when something as horrible as this happens. To your credit you have grown into a beautiful soul and I just know your Mom had a lot to do with that in the time she was here.

  6. Well I am crying at work. I can't imagine what you must feel sometimes, growing up without her. Sometimes I have the most horrible dreams that my mom has died, and in my dream the feeling of not being able to share my life with her is so overwhelming.

    But, hold on to your belief that you will see her again one day. Do you talk to her now? I still talk to my grandma...out loud (when I am really sad and no one can hear me).

    You look so much like her! Sometimes I think the point of life is to have kids so you can live on...and she definetly lives on...through you.

    What happened to the fucking idiot who killed her? I would not be able to let go of the anger.

    love ya. Thank you for sharing.

  7. I am so sorry Tiffani. I know you will see your Mom again. How wonderful that you do look just like her! Thanks for sharing this.

  8. Wow - what a post. So very tragic. I can't imagine coming to terms with a death that was so unnecessary. It's a great honor to celebrate your mother each and every special occasion, even her death. I'm very sorry that you and your family continue to suffer the effects of that collision. The impact of one selfish decision. You have a great outlook on what happened and I congratulate you for that.

  9. Tiffani, I can without a doubt say that my heart really does go out to you. I just lost my mom this past February and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I didn't have an extremely close relationship with my mom growing up but had spent the last couple years (and the last few months that she was around)really trying to rebuild our relationship. I'm sad that we didn't have more time, but like you I am even more sad for her and the things that she will miss out on....meeting her grandkids, spending time with her husband (not my dad) who loved her so much and just all around getting to enjoy the rest of life.

    It is so sad that someone else's selfish decision tragically took someone so important out of your life. Ugh, my heart hurts right now thinking about it.

    If you ever need to talk about missing her, etc please let me know -- I really do know what you are going through (you can find me on Facebook by searching for Alexis Duncan-Swenson). It's tough losing a parent not matter old you were. I actually just read a quote the other day by Eleanor Roosevelt that totally summed up about how I feel about my mom: "No matter your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone".

    I've had a post pending that I've been trying to write over the past few weeks that is actually about my mom and I think I may have gotten some inspiration from you about being so courageous about talking about it. I know my mom would be so proud of me about my weight loss (I didn't know I was having the surgery before she passed) and I'm so sad that she doesn't get to be here to see my progress.

  10. Hey Tiffani, I am holding in my sobs here at work. The actions of that boy really leave me shaking my head, I wonder what became of him? I truly hope he turned his life around and realized what a gift it is, and I hope he thinks of, and thanks your mom for showing him that, every day.

    You're so strong and you do look so much like your mother. I'm sorry she's not physically there, but I'm sure you carry her with you all the time.

    Much love, b

  11. I want to thank you, Tiffani, for your post. I think we all live our daily lives, often forgetting how precious life is - and how our little annoyances and the things we often get upset about are often times just so petty in comparison to what you and your family have had to go through. Before I began to read your post, I was fuming at an email that I received from someone who wrote a less-than-congenial letter to me about my students. I was so pissed - then got a clue that this is such a small thing to be worried about. My heart goes out to you.